20 things you must never say to a woman
(unless you are ready for an honest answer)

Photograph by Brittany Elidemir

• "Are you going to wear that tonight?"
• "Is this the biggest you have seen, or what?"
• "Can you serve? You are the woman."
• "Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?"
• "Gee, have you been putting on some weight?"
• "Hey look! There's my old girlfriend. Let's go talk to her."
• "How was it?" (two minutes after sex)
• "I could so use some oral sexual stimulation right now."
• "Is there any way we could do this via e-mail?"
• "No, really, I was laughing about... this joke I heard one time."
• "Oh, so you are not really blonde."
• "Oh, you are so cute when you get all upset."
• "Relax" (when arguing)
• "Sorry, I was just picturing you naked."
• "Stand back, babe, I’ll show you how a real pro does it."
• "Wait a minute, I get it... What time of the month is it?"
• "What happened to your hair? Will it stay like that?"
• "You're that old, huh?"
• "Your sister is cute. What's her name?"
• "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded."

20 things you must never say to a man
(unless you want to break up)

• "But everybody looks funny naked!"
• "Can I be honest with you?" (he'll get scared)
• "Dad wants me to be home by nine."
• "Do I look fat?" (not again, please!)
• "Have you ever considered liposuction?"
• "I have a confession to make..."
• "I thought you'd never ask. Of course, I love sex."
  (unless you want to sound desperate)
• "I've already watched this movie with my ex."
• "I’m not interested in dating for fun. I want to get married."
• "Is that a toupee?"
• "It's a good thing you have so many other talents."
• "Maybe you should start going to the gym."
• "My ex and I used to come here all of the time."
• "My therapist says..."
• "Oh no, a flash headache."
• "Size doesn't really matter"
• "So that's what your ex warned me about."
• "That was fine dear... pass me the vibrator."
• "What you need to do is..."
• "Wow!! Look at the size of gut."